The Angry Apostrophe and the Bee Who Couldn’t Spell

 

angry_apostrophe


Once upon a time, an apostrophe sat beneath a Bo tree and contemplated the origin of suffering within its curly tail.

A Bee bumbled upon the apostrophe.  ‘Why are you crying?’

The apostrophe looked up.  ‘Because I am abandoned and alone.’

‘Well,’ said the Bee, and settled on the ground beside the apostrophe.  ‘Your not alone anymore.’

The apostrophe stared at the Bee for a long moment – and then crushed the Bee with its curly tail.

‘IT’S YOU’RE, YOU ASSHOLE!’


I’m with the psychotic apostrophe on this one.  Never, in the history of the written word, has a punctuation mark been so maligned, misunderstood, abused and abjured.  No wonder it’s gone a bit dot-dot-curly-wurly-cuckoo.  Let’s take that asshole and do a short edumercaytional lesson:

your = that asshole belongs to you, you own it, it is yours, congratulations!

you’re = when you behave like an asshole, you are – you’re – an asshole, congratulations!

Rules on the use of apostrophes are actually very simple.  Perhaps they’re (ooh, an apostrophe!) too simple, who knows?

  1. To indicate the possessive
    • This is the apostrophe’s story.  It is a gruesome tale, whereby the apostrophe’s tail dismembers a stupid Bee.
    • Personal pronouns (my, his, hers, theirs, yours, ours etc) don’t need an apostrophe because they’re already possessive, like Gollum, my precious.
  2. To indicate missing letters (commonly known as contractions)
    • It’s bloody annoying when people don’t use apostrophes correctly.
  3. Sometimes to indicate the structure of unusual words
    • I bcc’d my BFF to tell her to mind her p’s and q’s when it comes to apostrophes, otherwise the Red Pen Serial Killer will be paying her a midnight visit.

And that’s it.  It’s also worth bearing in mind that apostrophes really hate it when they’re used to incorrectly indicate a plural, so let’s recap on the fruits of our apostrophic labours:

fruit_apostrophes

Writing stories is a little bit like being in labour.  Let’s make sure that we pay attention to our contractions so we don’t give birth to any self-published carnival monster’s.  <–I did that on purpose.

p.s. I haven’t forgotten the Bee Who Couldn’t Spell – that bumbling idiot will be centre stage in the next post…

Advertisements

One thought on “The Angry Apostrophe and the Bee Who Couldn’t Spell

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s