I love Buzzfeed, but this time the icon of internet mayhem got it wrong in its 9 Politicians As ‘Game of Thrones’ Characters.
1. Nigel Farage as Jon Snow? You know nothing, Buzzfeed. Nigel Farage is quite clearly Stannis Baratheon – so desperate for the crown that he surrounds himself with thieves and lunatics and is prepared to set fire to the world to rule it.
2. Theresa May as Daenerys Targaryen? I think not, Khaleesi. Theresa is obviously Cersei Lannister – utterly ruthless with an inflated sense of her own importance, yet perfectly coiffed with a nice sense of style.
3. David Cameron as Varys? Sorry, but Cameron is far too shallow and one-dimensional to be the Westerosi version of George Smiley. I’m afraid ‘Call Me Dave’ could only be the self-serving, sly and perpetually conniving Petyr Baelish.
4. Nick Clegg as Tyrion Lannister? Oh Buzzfeed, I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid. Cleggy must be Renly Baratheon – the wannabe playing with the big boys, always the bridesmaid never the bride (for obvious reasons in Renly’s case), his destiny is to be fucked over by everyone and murdered horribly by a demon ejected from the loins of a (Conservative) witch.
5. George Osborne as King Joffrey? Admittedly, I would pay good money to see Gideon gasping his last breath on the floor of the House, but he clearly plays the role of Viserys Targaryen – ruthlessly ambitious, heartless and cruel; driven by greed, he finally gets all the gold his little head desires but, like all of Gideon’s grand plans, not quite in the way he expected.
6. Caroline Lucas as Cersei Lannister? What were you thinking, Buzzfeed? The Queen of Green and social justice can only be Daenerys Stormborn – champion of slaves and the dispossessed; underestimated by everyone around her. If Caroline Lucas had an army of the Unsullied (and a couple of dragons, admittedly) she could be Prime Minister.
7. Ed Miliband as Renly Baratheon? Okay, I think I see where you were trying to go with this, younger brother and all that. But clearly, Ed Milliband is the orphan outsider Jon Snow. His brother, in whose shadow he languished, has been cut out of the scene (gone to New York to Do Good Works or beheaded at the Red Wedding, take your pick); he’s banished to the hinterlands and must somehow pull together a ragtag rabble of outcasts, misfits and miscreants into a winning team. And he knows nothing, let’s not forget that.
8. Michael Gove as Viserys Targaryen? Well, if you want to undersell the untrammelled evil of Gove, then sure. But truly, Gove can be none other than King Joffrey. Let’s look at the evidence. The only person who loves him is his mother. Check. His sick and twisted imagination endlessly invents new ways to hurt people. Check. He takes perverse delight in punishing the poor. Check. He loathes the sick, the disabled…hell, everyone. Check.
9. Eric Pickles as Khal Drogo? Moon and stars, Buzzfeed! Are you drunk on fermented horse milk? The Pickle-ator is more like The Hound, willing to chop off heads (or any other body part) at his master’s bidding with not a shred of remorse, completely lacking in moral fibre, and with a penchant for eating (copious amounts) with his hands.
And there you have it. And remember: Everything’s better with some wine in the belly.